You remember my stupid story. I was middle-aged, overweight, childless and in career tailspin..
Meanwhile, my husband was battling depression. I was too self-involved to notice how he was suffering, but thank God his P.A. did and prescribed anti-depressants which made him feel better (and probably saved his life!), but also made his sex drive dry up. I’m such a loser, all I understood about his problem was he didn’t want to have sex with me.
Basically my whole world told me: you are a loser. The end.
If anyone asked me how I was doing, I had to say, “Oh, just great, thanks!” Because I couldn’t say, “Well, my husband thinks I’m fat and doesn’t want to have sex anymore, let alone have a child with me — although he did have two with his previous wife with whom he had irreconcilable differences. Now I have to have my womb removed because giant tumors are growing there. So after that and eight weeks of painful recovery, I’ll be facing 30-45 pointless more years before I die.” I mean, this is crap you don’t say to people. This is LOSER crap.
At least if I’d had some tragic story of loss, it would have been sort of heroic and heart-breaking. Instead my story was banal and stupid. If I had something like a miscarriage or death of a loved one to tell people, nobody would have expected me to be happy or OK. I would have been a loser, sure; I would have lost something dear to me, yes. But it would have given some cachet, wouldn’t it?
But no. I was a huge loser, and I couldn’t even tell anyone about it because it was such a stupid story. It’s so stupid, why I think you want to know about it is beyond me. You have to hear it, though, so maybe you will understand where I was that horrible night I got drunk and gorged myself on sugar cookies because I was all alone with my childlessness and worthlessness. I didn’t turn to God that night. I turned to wine. But wine was a short-term solution. (I get too sick from it.)
The next day, I had a headache and a choice to make. Spiral into darkness and hopelessness for the rest of my worthless life, or find Jesus and make Him fix me.
Thank God, there came into my hands a terrific book by John Eldredge called Waking the Dead. Eldredge spoke to me where I live because he talked about heroic stories and how our spiritual walk is like that: God has a role for us to play in His epic battle of good vs. evil. Eldredge used great tales and movies like Lord of the Rings, Narnia, The Matrix, Gladiator, etc. to make this point. Nerd alert: Eldredge was speaking my language.
He showed that we cannot play our role in our epic unless we are heart-whole. Before God can use you, He wants to heal your heart. The book then outlined four “healing streams” God uses to fix your broken heart.